i think broken people love the deepest

Ugh please stop this. We’re not here to emotionally satisfy you. We need to protect ourselves and fix ourselves. Just because we put you first and will do anything to please you does not mean that it is healthy or that it should be a selling point. We may “love deepest” because we haven’t used any of our love on ourselves. It’s not cute that we want to be dead without you or that you are the only person we feel comfortable with. That is sad as fuck and not in a beautiful way. And don’t pretend that you unbroken people won’t get bored when our misery stops serving you. You want us because we “love deepest” but when we can’t keep our rooms clean and we have panic attacks, suddenly our deep love isn’t enough. All we do is let you get under our skin and intertwine into us so deeply that when all your compassion dries up, we collapse.

Getting Through Medical Examinations - A Resource for Women Survivors of Abuse and Their Health Care Providers →

This is a huge issue for me right now (and probably not only for people with trauma-related anxiety). I’m worried about ending up in the emergency room again. My prescriptions ran out months ago. I’ve been taking random steroids since then, which aren’t my preferred medication - they were free samples from a pharmaceutical study that I did last year, and the metered doses ran out weeks ago. The dispensers always have medicine left over, but now I have to judge the strength of a dose by the particular tremble of my hands and racing of my heart. Not the greatest thing maybe.

Montreal doctors never seem to be accepting new patients, so it’s challenging to build a secure relationship with someone. I finally just bought some etizolam (an unscheduled benzodiazepine analogue) online, which will ideally enable me to accomplish basic tasks like

  1. obtain life-preserving medicine;
  2. interact with other human beings;
  3. register for a master’s course (en français - ça me rend super nerveuse).

Our goldfish unexpectedly reproduced a couple of weeks ago. The babies started out as sedentary lines-with-eyes, but now their internal organs are growing visible and they swim furiously all day.

(Source: shipwreck)